Hemorrhoidal Tendencies: The Driving Edition

I’m happy to report that I am too mild-mannered to entertain any homicidal tendencies. I do, however, have a lot of pet peeves. Thus, several years ago I coined the term “Hemorrhoidal Tendencies,” which I first referred to in my post “Catch My Phrase.” These are the everyday things that have a tendency to be a pain in the ass (or arse, for my more polite friends across the pond.)

Since I now work from home, I no longer have the luxury of kvetching and kibitzing with my coworkers about the mundane things that drive one crazy, so I’ve been toying with creating a somewhat regular feature here on the blog.

So, without further ado, I give you my first installment of

Hemorrhoidal Tendencies: The Driving Edition

Whether it’s a short hop to the grocery store or a 1000 mile road trip, I enjoy driving. I think back to my high school driver’s education course and remember feeling like I would never get the hang of being behind the wheel. I did though, and I think I’m pretty good at it. I can count my fender-benders, speeding tickets, and times I’ve been flipped off on one hand, if that’s any indication. Well, maybe two hands. I did spend several years driving in Chicago after all.

Come to think of it though, have you ever met anyone who admits that they are a bad driver? And yet, rarely does a day go by when I don’t run into one of them. Well, not literally run into them. Like I said, I’m pretty good, if I do say so myself.

Here are 6 drivers who have been a pain in my ass lately:

The Slowpoke: There’s a two lane road near my where I am quite often behind someone who is going 10 to 15 miles under the speed limit! It’s usually too busy to pass safely, so I have no choice than to slow down and chant “please turn; please turn; please turn” at each intersection.

The Proctologist: If the slowpoke weren’t frustrating enough, frequently another car will zoom up behind me at a high rate of speed. I call him The Proctologist because he seems to be way too interested in my back end. I can’t even see his headlights in my rearview mirror. It’s as if he’s willing both me and my pokey predecessor to go faster.

The Waver: I’m coming up to a 4-way stop. Without a shadow of a doubt, I’ve arrived at my stop sign first, and thus have the right of way. The waver flutters his hand or raises his chin, bestowing upon me the honor of proceeding before him. If there is a hand gesture that says “duh! It was my turn anyway, jerk!” I need to learn it.

The Blockhead: I’m waiting (somewhat) patiently to pull onto the road from a side street or parking lot. This driver has a red light and needs to stop. Rather than stopping 10 feet back to let me in, she will block me by pulling right in front of my car. Really? Would letting one car in kill you? Yes, look straight ahead and don’t glance my way. If you pretend I’m not here, it means you weren’t rude, right?

The Passer: This driver uses what I call the “asshole lane.” That’s a right turn lane at an intersection that ends just past that intersection. Its main purpose is to allow people to make a right turn on a red light. The Passer is going straight but uses it to get around slower moving cars that are also going straight. Right turners stack up behind him and fume.

The Me First: I’m driving along minding my own business. There’s nothing behind me for miles. The Me First decides he must pull out immediately because he is very important and his time is valuable. Once out in front of me, he proceeds to drive 10 to 15 miles under the speed limit.

At least that will give the Proctologist time to catch up.

Do other people’s driving habits bring out the passive-aggressive in you too? What’s your idea of a driving Hemorrhoidal Tendency?

Now that I think about it, I’ve only just scratched the surface. This might be only Volume 1 of The Driving Edition.  I warned you – I’ve got a lot of peeves!

Buckle up and be careful out there!