I’m too Young to be this Old.

I am no longer “pushing 50.” Almost two years after that milestone, I can say that I’m doing pretty well. Unfortunately, my body is staging a revolt.

I’m fairly fit – I do yoga regularly and walk a mile or two nearly every day. The old bod says thank you by insisting on hanging onto those 10 extra pounds no matter how much I watch my calories, or my carbs, or my fat grams, or my sugar. Based on the way I feel each morning, I’m also convinced that some invisible gremlin is taking a hammer to my joints as I sleep.

I try to look my best by doing the usual upkeep of covering my gray and plucking/waxing/shaving all the correct parts. So how, during a 45 minute meeting, can an inch long chin hair somehow appear out of nowhere? Don’t get me started on my Andy Rooney-esque eyebrows. At least my esthetician should be able to send her kids to college.

As if it wasn’t bad enough to be assaulted from within on a daily basis, the world is also out to get me.

I used to be incredibly tech savvy. I could program my VCR and hook up my stereo speakers like a pro. My punch cards in my data processing class were impeccable. Now, my phone does more than my first computer did. I try to keep up with software updates, new devices, social media. It’s exhausting.

I knew I was no spring chicken when I realized that some new kid at work was born the year I graduated from college. I remember how I thought of the years before I was born as this quaint, black and white world of my parents. Now someone in the next cubical is thinking of my life in the same way.

I’m not old! I still sing along at the top of my lungs with the Clash or the Ramones as I drive through the neighborhood. That’s something a young person does right? Until I hear “I Want to be Sedated” in the grocery store. How did this happen?!

I’m still hip, I tell you! I listen to Mark Ronson, Hozier and Avicii. I watch Orange is the New Black and Inside Amy Schumer. I even know what bae means, dammit!

Then there’s this cult called AARP that keeps sending me mail. They’ll try to lure you with their free snazzy tote bags and discounted hotel rates, but I’m not falling for it.

Just when I think I’m about to lose it, I realize that it’s not so bad. Things are cyclical, right? The house I grew up in is now “mid-century modern” and very desirable. Vinyl records are a thing again, as is black and white photography. Hipsters are really just younger beatniks. It’s going to be ok. I can relate to the world as it is today. I’m feeling much better.

Until this comes in the mail…

A

 

 

B

C

Thanks world. Thanks a bunch.

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26 thoughts on “I’m too Young to be this Old.

  1. Hilarious! I can relate to many of your references – however you are much more hip than I as I will be looking up several words from this post! Keep writing! Your insight into the world and your love of writing shows.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am laughing so hard at this – sorry! For me (and my other friends who also turned 50 recently) we got presents from our government by mail – a National Bowel Cancer Screen Program Kit and (for the women) a free Breast Screen Mammogram.
    Yep.
    Happy Birthday to us!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I knew I was old when the models in the magazines (I won’t say which magazines 😉 ) were born after I graduated from college. That was several years ago. So, yeah, I can relate. And that AARP cult has been after me since I was 40 ! Boo on them ! :p

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  4. I was always fond of saying from 0 to 20 was Spring, or a period of growth. 21 to 40 was summer, when you are, well 🙂 From 41 to 60 is fall, when things sag and hair falls out. And 60 + is winter, when one hair starts turning white.

    Having been through the seasons, Spring was fun, Summer was a lot of work, Fall was pretty good. As for winter; well it all depends upon how well one prepared for it.

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    • so then what does that make the next 20 yrs.? my dad, who lived to 95, wondered? as well as my grandmother, who lived it all the way to 100 as well as her mother, who existed till 96, but we won’t talk about that

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  5. Hilarious! What a fun read. You sound pretty awesome and I have no idea what “bae” means. I am 31, should I know what it means? Also, I’ve decided to stop dying my hair and let my grays fly proudly. I call them “highlights.” Thank you for following my blog. I’m following you now as well. I look forward to getting to know you better. Much love.

    Liked by 1 person

    • while my grandmother had evidently just gotten her hair colored at 100, not long before she died – I say evidently, because my mom hadn’t and was, for her sake, going to have it done after and was told couldn’t be

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  6. AARP started sending me mail when I was 20. I had recently been diagnosed with osteoporosis and was going thorough this horrible “I’m too young to be this old” depression thing. Then my first mail from AARP came. I cried… and cried some more. Then, I decided they are an evil organization that only exists to make you feel old before you’re time. Don’t give in to their propaganda lol!

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  7. I just found your blog. Cracked me up!
    I am the person where I work that is the “It’s hot in here!” person. Bc these days I am always so hot and the night sweats and etc…
    That person used to get on my nerves!!! And now I’m that person!
    I’m with u with those damn chin hairs too. Ugh. 😅

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      • I feel like I’m the villain when everyone is cold and they give me the evil eye and ask me Did u turn the air up higher? It’s freezing in here!!!! Wahhhh
        Only one time I played the “it’s my damn shop and I’ll do whatever I want to with the air conditioner” card lol
        They knew not to mess with it that particular day! I was sweating in places u shouldn’t sweat. 😂

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  8. I’m halfway through my sixth decade (yes, that’s another way of looking at being in your fifties!) and apart from the niggly little annoyances that come with the half century mark, I have to say that I like who I am now better than when most of my parts were still “perky.”

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Funny funny funny! i loved it. i found you by chance, via a Blogging tutorial and now i’m a instant fan. i’m new to blogging, i’m 50 years young and learning about this whole new world of blogging. but thanks for the laugh, all of the above is happening to me too, especially the hairs growing within 45 mins. oh by the way, i’ve taken to keeping a pair of tweezers in my car so when i’m at the lights and i have the sun to use, i can clearly see the critters and pull them out! 🙂

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